Ghostdancing 

When morning, you are nothing, 

The sun too obvious in its intention 

That your body should bear scars 

Deeply marked by the shadow of the world. 

Better when you are softened by gray. 

Great beasts of weight and importance, 

They must be so, as the prism only manages 

To briefly break their form 

Now and again, a sliver of silver 

A diamond found and lost  

Within the black of your eyes. 

I stretch my splintered winter branches 

Toward a perfect alabaster landscape, 

Touch the dull lope of dunes courting your waist 

And the deep chasm of your river red 

Filled with songs that haunt me still. 

Your island, your song. 

But you are also the tide  

And I move imperceptibly, 

A coin reflected in your body, 

Cast but impermanent, 

Wavering at the wages of your motion. 

Did you move when I whispered? 

Did you rise and swell with me 

As my own dark waters mixed 

With your flawless ocean green? 

Tell me but don’t. 

I’m better just imagining. 

Don’t speak of those things  

We once were before 

When we cradled the echo of  

The black between stars, 

We architects of our deconstruction;

Ashes we wear and in ashes we wake. 

If the first light breaking severs the blackout 

And what we have made. 

At night I hold you, 

Your permanence, elusive.

Alive and burning,

Pitched against the threat  

Looming on our eastern shore. 

You are full and I am taken 

From beyond the words I wear, 

Beyond these walls, apparent as armor. 

At night I hold you 

And trace your invisible lines 

As you dance a gentle finger 

Across the narrow of my spine. 

I’ll promise you these things, forever and blue 

As your wind rises up to meet me, 

A shroud against the cold, 

Your wind rising, your warmth; 

And I am forever and forever yours. 

Bandcamp Purchases (2022/01/01 – 2022/12/01)

Requiem for Romance by Night Club
DAWN (Extended Version) by Horskh
GATE by HORSKH
Nosedive by Hatchie
Rx – Bedside Toxicology DELUXE Double LP by Rx
Isolator, VINYL LP by Cygnets
Pink Obsession by Saigon Blue Rain
Where Were You / Soul by Seeming
Magnolia by KANGA
Tell Them by SDH
Maybe a Body by SDH
Haunted Hours by Vision Video
Assorted Debris I (1996-2001) by I, Parasite
FIERCE by Hante.
Protectorate Discography (3 Albums)
Paranoid & Sunburnt, Vinyl LP
by Skunk Anansie
Semiotics Department Of Heteronyms, Limited Edition Vinyl (red) – third pressing – by
New World March (Special Edition) by Haujobb
Away, LP in clear Red vinyl by Red Mecca
Reverse Circumcision: The Remixes by Patriarchy
Girl by Memoria
Bestial Mouths – LOST IN (Mother Juno Remix) by Various Artists
Ultraviolet by LEATHERS
Autonomy, Autonomy – Vinyl by Secret Shame
EARTH INFERNO by SØLVE
Runaway by LEATHERS
Goodbye Divine – Deluxe Digital Version, Goodbye Divine – Yellow (Second Press) – EU Shipping by Creux Lies
UNDERCOVER (the singles) by Bow Ever Down
BLOOD AND TEARS by SØLVE
24, Limited Edition 12″ – Bicolour Clear Nude & Pink by Minuit Machine
The Unself by Patriarchy
Love of a Father by Witch of the Vale
Now I Am Become Death (SGLP11), Double Vinyl 2×12″ Limited Edition *with signed 20CM postcard *75 Copies* by Maedon
ICR061 – BLEIB MODERN “Afraid To Leave”, Transparent Black & White Splatter Vinyl 12″ POSTMODERN THERAPY, limited edition : 200 copies by MOAAN EXIS
Buried Under Brimstone by PNEUMATIC DETACH
The Great Flood, 12″ Vinyl Black Re-Press by Rope Sect
In This Year: Hierophant, Limited Edition Ultra Clear Vinyl by Praises
I Am The Spell by Bestial Mouths
Threat (SGLP13), Double Vinyl 2×12″ by Statiqbloom
MOAAN EXIS x MORIS BLAK – State Rejects / Moments of Dissent by MOAAN EXIS
I Will Be the Sun for You by Sally Dige
Sainte Rave, Limited edition 12″ – Splatter Lime & Black by Minuit Machine
Light it Up by Stromkern
You Can’t Blame Me by KRUDO
Here To Begin by Vaselyne
UNBROKEN by Bestial Mouths
Forget Your Own Face by Black Dresses
❤️ / 💔 / 🖤 MIXTAPE by Bestial Mouths
IV0X10V5 by Josie Pace
KATIE CRUEL by LINGUA IGNOTA
BESTIAL MOUTHS REMIXES, Limited Edition LP by BESTIAL MOUTHS
MARTYR, Limited edition ‘Rose red’ 12″ vinyl LP by Rosegarden Funeral Party
Transgressions by Induktor
Monster by KANGA

My Valentine Has Hollow Eyes.

There were rules.

He knew this before he met her and now, walking past the grey panels of concrete, the smiling windows that bore his face; climbing up the spine within the body of the building; he knew. Even as the lock popped and hissed its child proof hiss and the door opened, even when he heard the clicking of the gears turning over and the tumblers dropping into place again behind him, perhaps for the last time.

The room still smelled of her, of them, of her great experiment.

He had learned not to ask questions. Not because he didn’t wish for answers but because the answers were trite. A quote from Baudelaire concerning beauty or some sort of flippant and fatalist remark about matching within and without.

When he met her she had already begun, though not of her own accord. A cancer had forced the removal of three pounds of bone and muscle from her left leg. She wore a brace that clattered as sleet on a window pane. Shuffling in her movement, she sounded like a train bearing down on him. When he asked about her past, before the cancer, she simply said that its only importance lay in defining what she no longer was. She no longer dreamed, wished or hoped. She knew that time would eventually take her and that she would decide how.

That first night, in that room, they made love. He remembers nothing but the cold of the brace on his back. How it sent an electric spasm of life into the back of his brain and through his eyes. Afterward, they held each other and there, confident that he was hers, she outlined her plan.

They began with additions, sewing pen-points to the finger tips on her right hand. She swore she would record everything. On her left, they began writing. Secrets and lies. Magics and lore. Things only they understood and things that no one would ever understand. Though they did not mark her face, from toe to fingertip to nape of the neck, no trace of pale, perfect skin remained.

When adding became impossible, there was nothing left but to subtract.

Her arm left arm was the first to go. She gripped him tightly, teeth boring holes into his shoulder as the vice tightened. And they waited. First for sound and then, for the popping and cracking to stop. To her credit, she did not scream. She didn’t cry. No mewling kitten tears, no howling wails.

They cut her hair. One side remained long, the other burnt then sheared down to the scalp.

Once, while he had gone out to get her medicine, she had discovered lye. She scrubbed her face with it until her skin raised and flaked as pale, stricken butterflies; whiter than her milky teeth, whiter than their nighttime world through the soft filter of television blue. Afterward, her made her promise that he would be present for each attempt.

And one by one, they removed things. The cancer returned and they removed things.

The last thing to go was her eyes. One slice, two. She managed two swift marks with a razor to her right eye; after that….it’s not that she wasn’t strong enough. She had all the strength in the world. Her arm hadn’t healed properly after the break and it jittered and skipped in spite of her intentions.

Not long afterward, she remained in bed; her project complete. He stayed by her side leaving only for medication and food. He would wonder how they had gotten away with this. Why he had stayed, why anyone hadn’t heard. No one heard because no one wanted to hear. It really was as simple as that. But why did he remain? Did he love her? Perhaps. Did he worry that she’d go about these things without him and do more harm than she could handle? Yes, he did worry that, but he wasn’t sure that was the reason either. He wondered but did not wish answers, instead going about the routine of gathering the necessary things from outside and bringing them in.

The cancer that eventually took her, one year after their first meeting, had crawled it’s way up through her chest and into her brain. She did not complain. At the time of her death, minutes before finally failing, before the mad engine fired and sputtered for the last time, she held him close, whispering.

“This is you and I. Thank you. There was always a part of me, somewhere inside. A place that never stopped raining. I knew it. I had to show someone.”

Looking around the room, now empty, he shook his head. He made his way back toward the door, leaving no trace behind.

True Stories

True stories are bland and dull, they skip forward and backward; loop like damaged records.

True stories tell you things that don’t really matter to the plot.  They’ll show that you get up in the morning and go to the bathroom, have soup for lunch and tie your shoes while sitting down and always in double-knots.

They may often lie a little.  But only out of kindness or selfishness, as being kind and being selfish are often either the same thing or confused as such.

They tell you things you are now ashamed of; sitting in a doctor’s office and hearing about certain diseases for the first time while in reference to you and hoping that those suspected things would somehow, god willing, make you interesting enough for other people to bother with.

True stories describe rituals: the sound of vomit hitting a toilet, but not just the sound; what the sound meant and how each insignificant change in tone let you know when you were that much closer to being done. 

Wake at the same time, eat, sleep, wake again.

They tell you that you’ll use people who happened to be present at the time and filled a need for something missing and then became disposable.  Anecdote people, Andy Worhol people.

They’ll tell you about how important going for a walk is and that you were completely sure the rain would never stop so you move on to other things and forget what was so important and the sun comes out.

There is tragedy, of course.  Love lost and love found and lost again.  And the pain in losing that love: true stories will let you know that the pain isn’t always for the loss of the person you love.  You still love them, yes.  Of course you do.  The pain comes in finally sitting alone and sighing, relieved that it’s over and that the pretending can stop and that you don’t really have to change at all.

And pain, well…real pain is so entirely subjective and more often than not, self-inflicted and boring so true stories tell those tales too. Somewhere. To Someone.

And there are promises made. On deathbeds or to best friends. Promises you make knowing you can’t keep them. Promises made because you are simply supposed to promise.

There is no beginning and there is no end.  No three act play with neatly massaged facts and re-arranged plots, prettier actors and actresses and neatly fashioned endings. 

True stories are just run-on sentences without punctuation and yet are able to, occasionally,  pause. 

At least for a few moments.

It’s That Time Again (Ode to Bandcamp)

Bandcamp Friday returns!

The mythic event will be back this Friday, September 2nd, 2022.

You know the one where Bandcamp waives their artist fees and one hundred percent of amounts paid by buyers go directly to the lovely people that make the noise candy you hold so near and dear.

This also means it’s a good time to update the master list of artists that come with, for whatever it’s worth, my guarantee of being at the very least, interesting and at the most, essential. The one thing I promise is that there are no duds among the lot. This could get lengthy, but here we go!

∆AIMON
ACTORS
Ada Rook
Amorphous
Android Lust
The Atomica Project
BARA HARI
Bedless Bones
Bestial Mouths
Black Dresses
Bow Ever Down
Boy Harsher
Cardinal Noire
cEvin Key
Choke Chain
Creux Lies
Death Loves Veronica
Emma Ruth Rundle
The Foreign Resort
Glaare
HEXADIODE
HIDE
House of Harm
I, Parasite (Österlanden drops on the 2nd, the final LP by the project as it is now)
Interlace
I Speak Machine
I Ya Toyah
KANGA
KAVARI
King Woman
Kontravoid
KYRNM
LEATHERS
LINGUA IGNOTA
The Liquid Clear
LOUISAHHH
Maedon
Memoria
Miftah Bravenda
Minuit Machine
MOAAN EXIS
NIGHT TERRORS
NNHMN
ohGr
Patriarchy
Praises
Queen Of The Static Opera
Rosegarden Funeral Party
Sally Dige
Seeming
SØLVE
STATIQBLOOM
Uboa
VIOLENT VICKIE
Vision Video
Witch of the Vale
Zola Jesus

The list is incomplete, of course. My memory is shite and this is very much like remembering which people to thank during an oration. It is a starting point, however. If none of this interests you, just poke around on Bandcamp and you’ll find something to enjoy. It is extremely difficult to do anything creative and still be able to survive right now and for what they provide, the artists deserve our support.





Ask Me Again.


I’d create a universe in a stairway
scale poles and slide on telephone wires
to fill your sky with stars
that choose not to empty or expire.

I think I may be lost on Eliot
wondering where my Ezra’s gotten to again
caught in the wasteland we’d presume
(perhaps she’s even been consumed).

I’d sit you down, TSE;
And we’d discuss over coffee, over tea
I’d try to explain to you
the limits of the sea.

You know me well enough by now, you’d know
What I’d risk for certain half deserted streets
to be able to relate to you the ocean that lives
within a body warm, on pale linen sheets

How white makes a serpent’s shape
that curls around ankles, around thighs
around the lines we’d name as heaven
if ever we’d been afforded anything like time.

We’re foolish in seeking claims
upon a siren’s song;
we’re nothing but acrobats
and we might be wrong.

The voice is enough, you understand?
if it approximates the merit of the ocean
and the sea that but in dreams
we dare attempt to touch.

Winter.

Two stones to count,
between two stones
I’ve marked you out.
In a box, in a shell
I’ve carried you down,
pennies in my pocket
to place on your eyes,
pennies over cold ground
to erase what was mine.

But grass underfoot
of course sighs like bedsprings,
we were hopeless romantics
for such ridiculous things;
my chest against your bend,
a cool parabola as we slept
we’ve begun to walk backwards
without our consent.

And chemicals I miss you too,
or maybe what they’d do to you,
reckless and weary,
all animal eyes
rotating in holes
marked deeper by time;
a pale bird in my hands
against the pull of the tide
I asked you a question
even as you replied.

And what of one moment,
the night falling down
when running made sense
when we abandoned a crown?
You’d say count that second
hold onto the thought
before it’s buried too deep
far away from the heart.

And you stare, vacant glance
from flypaper sky
that clung to our bodies
once warmed for one night.
My head whispered gently
when the rumor implied
that we’re not cold,
no longer severed,
not outside drawing lines.

And you, your name
is the absence I made,
with words or with action
an empty seat on a train.
And if in those moments
you still find you wake
and words are most foreign
or make unknown shapes;
buried here with two pennies,
each for a day,
each for a body now cooling in place.
Two pennies I brought
to cover your eyes,
two I bring back,
to now cover mine.

Displacement

I had thought our story was over, that I’d faded before the end of Act One, to be written off in the monolgue that began Act Two.  But here you are, having used a series of numbers.  Seven random digits and I’m twenty-two again and in a bad way, though I’m sure you can relate as I don’t remember it as a stellar year for either of us.

It was a sticky summer, not like this year’s.  There was no rain to speak of to break up that heat that clings to you for the whole of July.  What was it you wanted more than anything?  I’m not sure I can remember clearly.  Probably the same things I was after: someone to talk to, an easy solution…no, not even a remedy, just a direction – something pointing the way.  That’s probably why we ended up where we were; removed and unhappy, and taking things like Horticulture between group meetings where it was just as likely that we’d break down completely as it was that we’d crack ourselves up over something completely unimportant.

I’m sorry I’m remembering things like this, I don’t know what it means(if anything), and you know it will only last for those brief moments that we’re having this conversation.  Sure, it’ll linger for a moment or two afterwards, but you’ll hang up and I’m already consumed by something I’d imagine is far less signifcant.  But the thing of it is, sitting here, talking now, everything becomes angular and uncomfortable.  I’m trying hard to remember what you smelt of.  Though I can easily recall it on those particularly warm days when the winds catch me from a certain direction, right now I’m having a hard time figuring you out.  Your lips were bitter, like coffee, that I do know; but then that could just be what I equate them to. Nothing is ever as romantic in real life as the memories we make of those moments afterwards.

I’m trying to fill you in, line by line.  The slope of your nose, the underside of a slightly rounded almond eye, the exact brown of the orb within it.  If I’m feeling in the mood and you’re not here, now, talking; if I’m not trying to figure you out; maybe the definition would be clearer. While away this summer, gathering sand in my shoes, water washed up high on the shore before a storm one evening and I thought of you when the smell of the surf rose to meet me.  I remembered that moment where everything slowed in the middle of a very difficult time and laying in bed afterwards, still wearing the t-shirt I had on while you cried.  I can’t really say what my reaction was to this.  I certainly smiled at the memory, but as with most things concerning you, there was also the fingers of melancholy encroaching, scattering debris and lasting well after a smile fades.

But you called and I’m trying to figure you out.  Trying to place you again.  Seven digits.  Is that all it takes to pull everything apart?  But it’s only for the time I’m here with you.  I’ll hang up.  You’ll go about your life, just as I have.  We’ll make a token effort, if that’s what this is.  Some sort of whim that makes it all seem like some sort of strange version of a high-school reunion.  

We’ll hang up.  

That’s what we did, that’s what we’ll do.

Porcelain Ana

Digging through some old notes and things recently. Back when I was in college I received a grant from the Mackie Cryderman Foundation to produce two 5′ x 3′ paintings over the summer between years one and two.

During the working process, I produced a large mass of related ideas and writings, photo collages and digitally edited images. From there, that became a small pamphlet called ‘Amplified Distance’, which contained twelve images on the left and twelve bits of prose on the right. The book sold horribly, though there are still some floating here and there in the ether. Probably for the best. No one wants to be known for the melodramatic ranting they’d done fifteen years ago. Still, it was an accomplishment at the time, and one I was very proud of. Not everything made the cut and this one here, despite my general fondness for it, was left out because it strayed a little thematically from the position I was trying to relate with the project. I’m no poet, and not even much of a writer; more a dabbler than anything; but this turned out okay after a bit of editing and re-arranging over the last couple of days.

Porcelain Ana

To whom do you dissolve for?
Not for yourself;
in the quiet moments of footprints
staggering through hallways,
there is no glory there,
no place at the feet of doubting angels.
Still, sacrifices must be made.

The tools were unwelcome gifts:
words sharper than stones
burying truths still breathing through you.
An angular script rewritten,
strengthened with each bone given form;
cast in roles sympathetic to no one,
the mimic of lines that will you undone.

Together we translate echoes,
encode and decode,
but never possess a whisper of our own.
Tied to the bone, the shell,
the threads of what may lie in wait
and what they mean; the slow threat
of undoing describing perhaps you, perhaps me.

If you’d been strong enough
Sylvia might’ve written about you;
you, the art done well,
you, the ash that stirs
that would describe
the vacancies that you’d provide in
the cast shadow of unbroken rooms, in
the form made in defiance of damaged skin.

And alone you thought you’d be
prey to devices without voice
until secrets like your own were
found wandering at the speed of sound,
and in the speed of light given shape
where aliases collect the digital debris
of a familiar analog disease.

To whom did you dissolve for
now far below the underground?
Not for yourself;
not for the anonymous encouragement unearthed;
I want to know, in my own tongue, in my own words
as I am familiar, as I have been in name,
as I do no wish to have to bury you again.

2005.